The fear, the sense of terror, the anxiety riddling my body just never made sense as an adult.
I’d ask myself repeatedly why couldn’t I manage “normal” adult responsibilities? Why couldn’t I get into a routine and keep it? Why did other people scare the living daylights out of me on one hand but on the other hand we could be instant friends? Quite frankly none of it made any logical sense at all.
In our Facebook Peer Support Group, I see a lot of us asking “Should I…?” questions of each other. This is actually one of the reasons why being in a peer group is so great. We are talking with people who ‘get’ what we are going through and collectively have tried a lot of different things.
The loneliness tore through me seated at the school waiting for my kids. I could not envision what my life would be like now, having literally lost everyone and everything. Loneliness is a deep, physical feeling. The one thing I never gave up on was the belief that I had done the right thing leaving despite no one else seeing or believing what I knew to be true.
“We are retraining our brains to heal what they’ve been through, what they were wired to do when we had no choice.” Charlotte Beaty Thigpen
There are many unknown elements in an unhealthy home that do not set us up for success. There often times is ongoing danger, multiple times a day, which sets us up for feeling we are always at risk. There is a constant unknown.
There is inconsistency. To the brain, that is an unknown. Will Dad come home from work happy or angry? How about mom, what will her mood be like? We are constantly on guard because we don’t know what to expect due to a lack of consistency.