The loneliness tore through me seated at the school waiting for my kids. I could not envision what my life would be like now, having literally lost everyone and everything. Loneliness is a deep, physical feeling. The one thing I never gave up on was the belief that I had done the right thing leaving despite no one else seeing or believing what I knew to be true.
There are many unknown elements in an unhealthy home that do not set us up for success. There often times is ongoing danger, multiple times a day, which sets us up for feeling we are always at risk. There is a constant unknown.
There is inconsistency. To the brain, that is an unknown. Will Dad come home from work happy or angry? How about mom, what will her mood be like? We are constantly on guard because we don’t know what to expect due to a lack of consistency.
It can an incredibly overwhelming challenge when you’re an adult survivor of childhood abuse to see a way through from Survivor to Thriver. I watched it unfold in my own recovery over the years because I had no mud map imprinted in my brain of the “how to’s” in life.
I understand what it’s like to look at other family’s and think “why didn’t I get that experience?” or “How come they have money and we have to hide the fact that we have none?” To be honest the list can be endless in regards to the questions we ask and often get left unanswered.
We were right!
We were always preparing for the worst and now it’s here. Our fears have been
realized. Did “everyone” tell you were crazy for “catastrophizing” all the time? Did people tell you you were crazy for using so much hand sanitizer and washing your hands? WELL, guess what, fellow traveler, you’ve got this one right!