Covid 19 and a Crisis of Faith
Living with Complex Ptsd and Managing Change is challenging. When a global pandemic hits and your plans are thrown out the window what happens next?
Raw & Real: When Covid 19 shutdown hit Australia I had a crisis of faith. I’ve spent decades walking in faith, listening for the one next step, and taking the one next step despite how weird or odd that one next step appeared to be to both myself and others.
Prior to shutdown I’d been mentally preparing myself to go and speak in public. To take my story out into the world to help other people. When the world shuts down and you can’t leave the house I felt like I’d been listening to the wrong voice about my one next step, and it crushed me.
It literally took me two and a half weeks to process this crisis of faith. I had to ask a lot of questions and seek answers I wasn’t expecting and begin to put those answers into place. The answers I received required me to close a website, build another one, connect two together, learn new platforms and I could have been extremely frustrated, but I chose not to be.
A crisis of faith didn’t mean a loss of faith, but it sure was a shock to my system. All of this was over 2 months ago. I was putting the final touches to both websites this weekend past when on Sunday I was contacted by the Dept of Health from another country. They asked would I be willing to speak at a Seminar on Covid 19 and Trauma. I said yes as the goal is to help Professionals be equipped to help their communities.
At first I was nervous, but I knew I could help so I worked through all the emotions. Complex Ptsd means I have to manage anything knew that comes along because there’s no road map in my brain and the automatic, unconscious response to new things, to change, from the primitive part of the brain is “I’m not safe.” Reread that, it’s an unconscious response, not something we choose. However, I have learnt to recognise and manage it so I moved forward.
Then I received the letter advising me I’d be addressing “Lecturers, researchers, policy makers, health practitioners, academics and other staff.” I admit I was so shocked I began laughing! My first thoughts were around, but I’m no one from nowhere, a girl from western Sydney and these wonderful people want to hear from me?! I hope you can share in the irony of how funny it appeared to me.
And then, sitting at my computer, I looked up. Above my computer, on the wall, is a large Vision Board I completed 3 and a half years ago. As I looked up I saw the large crowd of people around the centre of the board and remembered the exact thoughts I had in that moment “there’s no way I can see me speaking to that many people.”
And then a lot of dots joined together. Everything for the past 3 years has grown me into being able to speak with this many people about what is needed to help other people. Without a walk of faith and belief I just needed to take one next step I would not be where I am today. About to address 150 professionals who want to help their communities.
Crisis of faith definitely over, and I’m going to continue to put one foot in front of the other no matter what it looks like to others, or appears like to myself. I could not have worked any of this out myself, not a hope. I feel very grateful for the privilege of doing the work I do and to be a voice for all of us who need Mental Health practices changed so we can recover effectively.
Blessings and dreams,