Raw & Real: A Journey with Complex Ptsd
Raw and Real: There was a time when I couldn’t even pick up a sock. I could even get out of bed. And then when I started to get out of bed I could barely walk. There’s no doubt about it. Complex Ptsd recovery is one step at a time.
It’s recognising my own one next step. No comparisons, no roadmap. More important is a willingness to do the work. To learn language around what is happening for me internally, to learn how to wrap my mind around what is happening for me. To equip myself with strategies that work for me and to put in place structures that work for me.
This is why the journey is unique for every individual challenged with Complex Ptsd. The recovery journey, the willingness to face the comfortable, uncomfortable feelings internally is highly individual. No two recovery journeys look the same.
The beautiful part is we can connect with others along our journey and understand the challenges we’re facing, we can relate to each other, share with each other and laugh, love and be ticked off too! As one of my clients said to me “this is hard work!”
And I of all people can’t sugarcoat any of it. It is hard work! I’ve found along the way I truly did not know just how unwell I was until I did the work to be well. I was telling my doctor yesterday how depression hit me like a speeding train out of nowhere last week and floored me for 24 hours, literally. I slept all day only waking once.
And here’s the crazy part. I was dressed to go walking and fell asleep in my lounge chair. It then took another two days to work through getting my body and brain on track again. The totally fantastic part is it only took three days to get back on track. Why is that fantastic? Because just last year I was losing chunks of time and was unaware it was happening or even why it was happening.
What I’ve discovered is I have no control over when an unconscious trigger goes off. However, I can learn to recognise them, manage them and gain increasingly better mental health. I’m so grateful I can do this now. This time next year my mental health will be healthier, not perfect, just healthier, as I continue to learn and do my work.
After my walk this morning I realised it’s taken me 9 years to get this far. Until two years ago I didn’t even have the necessary information to help with getting my brain well. I realised a lot of what keeps me going is I don’t want anyone to suffer like I did and I want a life filled with love and hope.
Life isn’t easy. The one next challenge is always just one step away but where there is love and hope there is life, there’s is meaning and there is courage waiting for us to be willing to face our individual challenges.
My one question each day is will I pick up courage and face my challenges I’m confronted with just for today? Will I seek to understand and grow, or do I just need to rest today? Do I need time to just be? The answers are different each day and I’m grateful.
With all that is going on in the world at this time I’ve had to put down my decades long dream of living and travelling through America and it’s not been done lightly. I was literally preparing to begin speaking publicly about my journey. I’ve had to rethink my mental health, rethink what my business can and can’t do and I’m still thinking about what my future could look like. What would make my heart the happiest?
So much of what is happening is out of our control and that’s ok. We’re all going to be taking just one next step together because #togetherwecan It’s together we make a difference and together we heal from a childhood where healthy love was not in abundance. #togetherwecan make a difference in our lives and heal for the generations following us, and #togetherwecan make a difference in our life, here, today. Just one step at time. #togetherwecan restore love and hope into a world, our world, that needs to know, to experience, that love and hope still exist and can be shared liberally.
Do you know you’re one next step?
Blessings and dreams,
“Reparenting Affirmations I am so glad you were born. You are a good person. I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side. You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad. You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection. All of your feelings are okay with me. I am always glad to see you. It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are. You can make mistakes – they are your teachers. You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes. You are a delight to my eyes. You can choose your own values. You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone. You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers. I am very proud of you.”Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving