As a child, I was always standing just on the outside of the circle that gave me a unique view of just how cruel (and awe-filled) life can be and I witnessed this dichotomy with great wonder.
The meanness of my friends left me uncomfortable — it was like new shoes that are too tight, but you have to wear them to break them in — and yet those same souls could turn in an instant, pick a milkweed flower and give it to me as an offering of peace without an explanation. There were no words, life went on.
I wrestled with these kinds of good and evil (in my mind) for much of my life but never spoke clearly about them. I felt isolated in my query as it seemed that the world was so full of itself that it certainly didn’t have time to explain to the curious heart, so I turned to nature. It was/is my salvation, my hug, and one that would console my curiosity with kindness.
Alone, I found solace in special spots where I could cry out loud or be joyous for no reason and no one would hear me. Alone, I found peace in the trees, or on a rock that seemed to have a seat carved perfectly for my form. Alone, I found comfort in the wind as it kissed my cheek. Alone, I found that the birds would stop momentarily and answer my deepest thoughts even as they were flitting around scattered and frenzied. Alone, I would walk, sometimes for hours, and the motion of my gait soothed my moods. Alone, I can write it out, ride it out, come to meet my dark side, shake my hand, and then be warmed by the light of acceptance. Alone, I became my best friend.
This is a friend I could rely on, the one who knows me best. The one who can tear down the walls and build them up again. Alone is the keeper of my key that holds the cipher to my heart. I learned to twist the view to quench the thirst for company and appreciate a slightly tilted persona alone, not lonely.
Thoughts in my head are always swirling, but I am good with this — I have learned to love totality. I do not always agree with the ways of the world, but who am I to judge? I am no one, I am everyone, I am in you — can you see me?
Life is still a huge mystery — with the vast amount of unknowns it hits the very core of the void, a void that we can never fill. This emptiness has been root cause for many things. It has led the way to discovery and driven some to their demise. It has opened the portals to creativity, and stifled the most brilliant minds, and yet, it is the most common connection we have.
Celebrate your aloneness. Stand in the crowd and relish the energy or go to a place where you are enraptured by your own essence. What you are feeling is universal. The hum of life (when you tune in) is what moves us in solitary unison. Feel it largely, fully, and deeply.
Once this is understood, you cannot help but love being alone, and loneliness will not cross your path ever again.
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Self-abandonment cycle refers to a pattern of behavior where individuals neglect their own needs, emotions, and values in order to please others or to conform to societal expectations. This cycle can lead to feelings of low self-worth, depression, and anxiety.
I never believed that I have depression in the normal sense of what’s regarded as depression. I’m not somebody who’s walked around going, oh I’m depressed and I really feel it in my body. For me in the beginning the depression just used to knock me out. I’d be getting ready to go and exercise and I’d wake up with one gym shoe and suck on and go, what happened? There’s videos of all the things that I’ve done along the way to get to where I am today.