Today it’s hard to write, to record, the reality of what happened to me. To have reached a space where I now understand all of what happened in my life was driven by toxic stress stored throughout my body, my brain, my nervous system, and to be winning the battle of returning my health, well, there’s tears of relief, and tears of grief. Tears of grief because I left home at 18 absolutely determined to not live the life I’d observed happening in the generations that came before me.
I had no problem being responsible and making choices. I worked hard, played harder, and enjoyed life. However, the internal niggle that all was not “right” in my life had me seeking answers from 20 years of age.
At 15 I developed epilepsy seemingly out of nowhere, and no one could pinpoint why. Medication was effective and I continued to pursue a life that saw me moving between 3 different states in Australia, living in both the country and the city, doing long road trips, enjoying life and marrying at 24. Immediately after our marriage hubby was transferred to Brisbane, Qld. And I’ve stayed here ever since.
At 27 I had Joshua and got post natal depression. Again, seemingly out of nowhere. I never experienced it with Chloe and Nicholas. However, over time, I did develop panic attacks, anxiety, and occasionally depression, but none of it stayed permanently. I was searching at this time for answers not just for my health but because I “knew” there was something not functioning internally for me.
Externally, I had it all. The handsome husband, the 3 gorgeous kids, my own home business, 3 cars, our own home and friends and family spanning states. And yet, still I knew something was not right.
I spent years pursuing personal growth, learning so much from a variety of sources. I wrote and taught My Authentic Self, saw clients and kept looking for answers. I once saw a Psychologist and said to them ‘look, there’s something not right, externally all looks functional, but I need answers to why I feel life isn’t working.” His response was “well, you’re doing better than most of my clients, so you’ll be fine.”